concentrating

and then im driving to school wondering about it only to find out that maybe i should fall short to the unnecessary crying i tend to do. because then i was upset all afternoon thinking about what i am doing and not doing.

so, im not actually concentrating. instead, im wasting time.

i think im also upset that this all came so naturally to me some time ago. now its like i almost have to force myself into it. however, back then it truly was all private without the need it be so. and i shared it so easily with those who i shared it all with anyway. yet thats all gone along with them.

i had a funny interaction with a coworker, he said "you really gotta do it when youre misserable". something about the agony of living with yourself ignites determination. probably the desire itself to get yourself out of it. not for all though. for some it sinks a calendar with monotomy. wasting themselves away.

i can't say i envy them, if i was in that situation, im not sure if i would get out. yet again, maybe we are truly built differently. i dont know, and i don't think i will find out.

yet again, do i really want to be miserable? i am entangled along the ties of the designed conformity. keeping me shrunk. and for what, anyway? greener grass? or do i truly have an inert desire to concetrate? one thats not resilient enough to keep me engaged but annoying enough to be annoyed.

i hate typing on my phone. but otherwise i dont have too much liberty without appearing dismissive. in addition, i am also encouraged to be obedient to living in a shell. which also sucks.